look around...leaves are brown....and the sky.....

impulse........An impulse is a wish or urge, particularly a sudden one. It can be considered as a normal and fundamental part of human thought processes, but also one that can become problematic, as in a condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder.

when i was first getting sober this would happen to me every few days or so. i would be sitting in a chair watching tv, or i would be in an AA meeting really enjoying it, and before i knew it i was out the door with a piece of my mothers jewelry and jacking a cab to cop some drugs. i didnt want to do it, i didnt mean to do it...it just fucking happened. i am a firm believer in listening to people that say "you're bottom is when you stop digging". i don't listen to people that say "i dont have another run in me" or "next time i drink i will die"...i used to believe that...because my bottoms would be so bad they would keep me sober for at least a year or two just on the straight fear of ending up like that again. but shit would get better, then shit would get boring, and that fucking impulse would come back like i never had a day without drugs or booze...and before i knew what hit me, i would be drinking in a bar with over a year or so sober.
my life would seemingly get better very quick...i would go from having absolutley nothing. to getting my own apartment, car, etc.....soon forgetting all the people that had helped me accumilate these "gifts" for staying sober and doing the right thing. i am a low bottom alcoholic, which means that i could have a billion dollars...but if i get loaded i would figure out a way to blow it all within a year or so.....leaving myself homeless and begging my mother for a plane ticket back to her couch so i can kick one more time.
i really feel for the people i see standing up in meetings on a weekly basis coming back time and time again...never getting the grasp of actual sobriety. not like im some spiritual giant but i have had enough time before, and i have a nice chunk now to know that going down the dark path again would be so fucking lame.....yeah i live room in a nice house with some rad people, i get to do some pretty rad fucking shit for work, and i basically get to do whatever the fuck i want. some people dont like me because im an asshole and thats ok....its a fuck of alot better than what i was. trust me...you'd rather have me being an asshole and ignoring you then paying attention to you and stealing everything of value you own.
im still working on playing nice with others...marlo told me she didnt really like me anymore because i wasnt a very nice person......instead of me saying that she forgot to ask me if i gave 2 shits i just deleted her.....i guess thats progress....in my own fucked up way.

the bottom line for me is that hell.....i might not be done by a longshot. my life is ripping right now and i would love to fuck that up with a shot of whiskey or a speedball in the dillusion that this time i might be able to hold it together....reality is that i wont die....id be stuck here to enjoy my miserable existance as the biggest piece of shit alive. or end up in prison on some stupid shit....maybe get murdered for ratting someone out cuz i'd be to dopesick to go to jail......man...thats tiring just writing about. im not a slave today.....im not standing up as a newcomer today.....and i love myself for who i am and who i am going to be......
thing is with this whole sober thing....i never know whats gonna happen on a daily basis...and trust me shit really gets thrown at me that blows my fucking mind......when im getting loaded, i know exactly what i get every....fucking.....time........
people always say you never know whats gonna happen the next time you get loaded....i can pretty much tell you whats gonna happen down to the very last detail........who knows what the future holds.....but today is one of the best days of my life. and im gonna enjoy it....so fuck you