my 3rd day without a cigarette.....i havent gone this long since i was 11 years old. i have been smoking way longer than most of the girls i fuck have been alive. my brain feels like in in a microwave and my truth censor is completely unfiltered now......its really bad.
i am a dirty old man with a thing for looking cool. when i walk up cahuenga at 2:30 in the morning and im lighting a marlboro red from a zippo with my black blazer, black t shirt and my silver st christopher medal on...i can't help but feel like charlie in the pope of greenwich village, even though most of the time i feel like paulie....
i have a ton of energy now and shit comes flying out of my mouth that normally i wouldnt say. im really trying not to be mean these days and im not intentionally doing it when i open my mouth, i just happen to be in a super honest mood the past few days and feel compelled to share it with everyone that needs it....this is hollywood, there is alot of people who need it. this is good. i feel like this one might actually stick, im gonna start going to the gym on a regular basis because if i dont i'm going to be the fattest piece of shit ever. yesterday i ate like 17 times. and the day before that was worse.......im craving tons of chocolate and sugar, but i am also craving fruit and vegetables as well. i feel like this is the first step to actually taking care of myself since i have been sober. all this past time has just felt like i was biding my time to get to this moment, and from here on in its all gonna flow nice and smooth. and if it doesnt who gives a fuck..at least im not dopesick.
i been walking on my hands alot again, thats always a good sign. that means im enjoying my life. im 39 years old and took 6 steps at cedars tonight....ill get back to a point where i can walk up the whole fucking thing soon enough. about 10 years ago i was able to walk around the entire fountain at washington square park in the water. my head would be full on submerged while i was doing it and i would have to pick my head up from the murky spit infested toejam of new york cities finest drinking water and gasp for air while trying to keep my balance. the attention is just what i needed back then, by the time i made it all the way around there would be a crowd so big you would think tic and tac were performing.....i miss the days of sitting on the steps in the fountain, staring at the redheads in their summer dresses, and the brunettes in their wifebeaters and combat boots, watching the douchebag with the perfect actor hair read his kurt vonnegut jr novel holding it up high enough and sitting in just the right place so that hopefully one of the girls will walk by and notice how deep he is. while i harmlessly take all his attention away on my hands. hehehehe......aaaah the good old days. i wish i could snap my fingers and make it april in 1997 again just for one day.....noone would make fun of me for ruling at hackey sack, and i could walk around with my shirt off without realizing what a fucking tool i was.......
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