fear

FEAR........

it was the first time i felt strong since i beat up todd in front of my grandmothers house in like 3rd grade or something...i been scared pretty much my whole life. fear of my stepdad beating my ass for me taking his weed or porno or whatever. fear of my mom screaming at me for being a drug addict loser, fear of my 7th grade bully david, fear of being found out. i got my ass kicked and got pushed around alot in school my whole life up until high school. and even once in a while i'd get punked there too. and when i hung with geoff and ian and those guys i always felt like fredo...maybe it was cuz they treated me like fredo. being from jersey really sucked sometimes. when we would get all drunk they would always throw a blanket party on the drunkest or weakest guy there. one night it was my turn. they threw a blanket over my head and started pummeling me. i freaked out and drew up some whiskey strength out of nowhere. i just started tossing them all until they stopped. if im not mistaken we were all on acid as well.
this was when i was living in the big house behind the fruit stand with barry, my grandmothers husband. barry was an old drunk player who should have been in the ratpack. barry would have been the guy that sammy davis jr. picked on if he was though. he was drunk most of the day and passed out all night. so i ran free and did whatever i wanted, it was an amazing time in my life....me and eddie ( r.i.p. you fucking redneck...i miss you)somehow ended up laying in my front lawn staring at the sky talking about how i overcame everyone. i was pretty much scared of eddie growing up too. he was always crazy as fuck and punched people and shit for no reason all the time. so for him to be saying how amazing that was really made me feel good. i was the kid from jersey. i always felt like the last kid to get picked for kickball when i hungout with them. i learned how to be cool on my own terms from those guys.
my thing became "i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks". it was a good front and still works. some people actually still believe that shit to this day. truth is im scared shitless of mostly everything. i hate fighting cuz i really can't, and i know im not cool especially now. im the most pathetic ive ever been actually. someone once said to me " i could never picture you tripping over a sidewalk ". i work hard to walk, talk, dress cool. and make cool faces when im pretending i don't see you looking at me from the corner of my eye. when im sober i truly believe in how i look, dress, and act. but when im loaded it all becomes an act. i trip over shit thats not even there. i lose sight of what and who really matter, and i sleep with a baseball bat cuddled in my arms. im scared to walk down the street that i would normally walk down on my hands in broad daylight at 3am. i start washing my clothes in the shower and drying them over the bannister cuz im afraid to go to the laundry mat. and relationships are a blinking thought.
it happens every fucking time. the pattern almost like clockwork. i stay sober for a while until the sudden urge to get loaded comes out of nowhere and consumes me till i drink. i have to do blow when i drink cuz im a lightweight and get drunk off a shot and a beer. then i do to much blow and need pills to come down. living in hollywood you can pretty much make any day you want a friday night. there is always something going on. so three days in a row of the same behavior and all of the sudden i have a pill habit. "anthony" said it best, he saud..."dude you get a pill habit walking down the aspirin aisle in cvs". then all of the sudden everything starts getting taken away from me. or i just choose to throw it away. then i end up in my bed laying next to a votive candle cuz the bigger ones are to bright, waiting for the doorknob to turn. sitting there staring at the door....awesome....i remember a few years ago i was in my room watching the shadow people dance in the corners, charlie called me to do some back up vocals at taime's house. my heart was about to explode and he wanted me to walk 3 blocks in the afternoon to go sing.....right...those times are usually very short lived.
normally i would go running back to aa and stay for a while. but fear drove me away that time again. fear was running and ruining my life.........its nice to be able to see again