I want.

In light of everything going on in the world, people with real problems and such, I don't feel right about feeling this sorry for myself, I don't feel right about it at all... but unfortunately, at the moment, I don't want a way out... and it gets worse as the minutes pass. When I was a kid I would pout in my room for hours, sometimes days on end. Just wanting to be left alone, I don't want anyone asking me "what's wrong" or "am I ok?" I just want to keep my head in the dirt until the worms eat my brain just enough so I don't have to think anymore. Knowing a shot of whiskey and a little bump of cocaine would make everything worse is the brutalist of truths right now... I don't want to pray, I don't want to meditate, and FUCK helping people. I rely on many to get by, and when times like these are sprung upon me and I can't do it alone... I want to blow my fucking brains out. Knowing everything is going to be ok is fucking annoying. I want to rip the paint off the walls and scream with my shirt off, but I will eventually have to repaint when I get out of the psych ward. I haven't spoken a word in hours... nor do I plan on doing so for the rest of the night. I can't even take my ball and go home, because I can't afford one. I heard a girl making an amends to another girl in the Starbucks, and I wanted to throw my coffee at them... I think I need a break from the cult. The parrots peck hard at my ears, droning the same crap day after day. Whining about solution and how amazing their lives are now that they are sober. Listening to conversations outside meetings makes me cringe, and I want to kick people in the back. I want to kick myself in the back mostly. I want muscles, but I don't want to do push ups. I don't want to get lung cancer, but I refuse to quit smoking. I want a successful relationship... no I don't. I want my head to just be quiet for 6 minutes, so maybe I can take a nap without tossing and turning, waking up with all the pillows on the floor and a forehead full of sweat. I want my chest to not feel like it's in a vice grip 24 hours a day. I don't want to force myself to live in this shit world I create in my head anymore...