Gems from the past.

I found a bunch of shit that I had written over a 10 year period in a folder deep in the bottom of a box. Reading through most of it has surely made me grateful for what I'm like today, but this one in particular really stood out to me, and kinda made me a little dopesick...

4-11-04

If I die tonight, this was nobody's fault but my own. I have been dying to stick a needle in my arm for a long time now, and the more I drank, smoke, and started taking pills... I knew it would eventually come down to this.
Yesterday I did a speedball for the first time in 7 years, and the feeling was so fucking amazing, not a care in the world. Now I couldn't find dope because I had to work, and it was too late when I got off, so I got some coke... and I can't stop shooting it. I have no pills to come down off of, and I feel like my heart is going to explode. I shut my phone off and am cleaning my room like it's never been cleaned before. I said many times over those 7 years that I would never do this again. I'm supposed to go on tour friday, and if I make it till then I'll be fine, and if I live long enough for Corey to call me tomorrow, I will also be ok.
I want help, but I don't want to live anymore. My band is good, and they are the best thing I have ever done with myself. Honestly, they are the only thing that has kept me alive and off the needle for this long. But once I get that feeling, a whole different monster takes over.

It's 6am right now and I'm washing the shower curtain. Two nights ago I smoked freebase up until I had to go to band practice. I went home, took 4 valium, and barely made it through the day. I slept all through sunday and most of monday, called up my friend in Venice who I knew got high. He gave me this pager number and 20 minutes later, I was in Tower records parking lot waiting for heroin. Met the guy, walked down to my coke dealers house, found another friend with syringe, and within an hour I was doing speedballs. After 7 years it only took me one hour and I didn't have to walk more than 2 blocks all together. It was to easy.
My cousin asked me what was wrong with me at work tonight... I told him I was sick, but he knows what's up.
Ok I'm going to do one more shot then finish cleaning my room...

I love you.
Jason