Mary Nightmare......

I brought her home to my Mother's for Christmas. I thought she was the one. The snow on the ground was hard and lined with dirt from the passing cars, the air was so cold that every-time you took a breath in through your nose, the frozen snot would clog the passage ways. My Mother hated her, she made a comment about the sweats she wore the morning we woke up after our arrival because they said "JUICY" across the ass.

We had been living together for about 2 years at this point, so I figured a week long holiday trip to my hometown wouldn't really be that big of a deal, boy was I wrong. After a few nights hanging out in town with some old friends, drinking and doing blow till 5am, she started getting really annoying. My Mother was pissed because I wasn't sober anymore, and breaking the screen window to get in the house at 5am didn't really help matters much. The couch that folded out into a bed was only made for one person, and the bar that went across the middle dug into your back, so sleeping in general on that thing was a fucking nightmare, let alone trying to come down off a few bumps with your annoying girlfriend talking your ear off next to you.

She was pissing me off so much that I didn't even want to fuck her anymore, all I did was lay there trying to figure out how to get her the fuck out of my house. About 3 or 4 days had passed and I was getting more and more aggravated at this stunningly hot coke-whore. Every sound or move she made was like nails on a chalkboard, and the time for her to go was getting closer. The night before Christmas eve we sat in the local bar as I tried to pawn her off on one of my friends, begging him to take her home and fuck her so I didn't have to deal with her anymore.

The next morning we woke up and went at each others throats for no real reason at all, until I finally made her pack her bags and put them in my Grandmothers little silver Mazda Miada.

It was Christmas Eve day, and my "meet the family" Girlfriend experiment had failed horribly. It was my first one so I really didn't expect it to go that well anyway.

The snow started to fall really hard as we pulled onto the Thruway, I made my Mother book her a flight back to Los Angeles no matter what the cost, it was either that or drop her off on the side of the road somewhere. My Mother hated her so much she didn't even flinch when I asked her. I had to get this stupid bitch out of my house before I buried her in the back yard. It was the most silent, uncomfortable drive I had ever taken in my life, we stared out the windshield as the flakes of snow hit the windshield melting instantly, listening to shitty radio rock, and chain-smoking one cigarette after the other. The snow was getting so bad that my Grandmother's poor little sports car was getting tossed around the slippery road by massive tractor trailers flying past us, we almost died about 9 times. Every once in a while I would have to put my hand out the window and slam the ice build up on the windshield wiper, until mine eventually flew off into a massive pile of snow on the side of the road.

We pulled up to the airport, she got out and slammed the door as I popped the trunk from the inside of the car. I didn't even help her with her bags, and as soon as I heard the trunk slam I pulled away, I didn't even wait to see if she got on the plane ok. I just planned on ignoring her calls if something happened, she was a big girl and her family was rich so she was going to be fine. I could have fucking cared less if the plane crashed at that point anyway.

As I pulled back onto the thruway the snow had accumulated to about a foot on the road, I could barely drive in it, but I was determined to get back to my Mothers house to celebrate Christmas. The load off my head was insane, I was hungover and emotional. I started crying so bad that I had to pull over for a few minutes, to be honest I was kind of hoping that a semi would rail me from the back and take me out. I felt like a total douche for what I did, but I really had no choice. I couldn't stand to be with her another minute. I started to drive very slowly on the Thruway, I could only do about 15 miles an hour the whole way back, and what was normally a 45 minute drive took me about 4 hours. That Chevelle song "seeing red" came on the radio, I started singing along as I rolled up the window so no one else would hear, as it was one of my guilty pleasure songs, not like anyone on the Thruway was going to hear me anyway, but I just wanted to be sure. The tears were streaming down my face as I screamed along with this ridiculous song, I was sad for being such a douche but was also equally relieved that I didn't have to deal with this dramatic whore anymore.

I made it back to town safely and without getting arrested for driving with no license. I slept like a baby that night not giving a shit whether she made it home or not.... Opened presents the next morning like she was never there. Then moved back in with her when I got back to LA......