Fahrenheit.......

It's a nice thought to actually live every day like your last. Some people through either tons of meditation or a life threatening circumstance have actually achieved that goal. I on the other hand like 90% of the population only think about how I take my life for granted when a friend dies, or a building blows up, or when a friend dies in a building that blows up.

At the moment I am unemployed and have no car, so waking up is optional. The past few weeks I have been forcing myself to call people for rides and go to the gym so I don't feel like a complete waste of space. But this last week I have blown off every day and just laid in bed until something came across my path that was worth getting up for. Watching reruns of crime shows that I have seen at least four times, reliving my youth through episodes of Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley, burning cd's into my itunes.

Yesterday I was so bored I took all the furniture out of my room and ripped out the rug. That made me feel a little more like a human being. It needed to be done anyway, the last sublet I had when I was out of town didn't go so well so I had to do a "cleansing" to the extreme that just burning some sage could not handle. So I sit here as it nears the end of the month, staring at my guitars figuring out which ones I don't use that much so I can put them in loan at the pawn shop so rent gets paid. And hoping to get a call for a job or a tour soon.

Funny thing is that normally one would be freaking out in this situation, not being able to sleep from fear of financial insecurity, not knowing where the next meal is coming from, most of the time not even able to buy yourself a cup of coffee.....

The day before I turned 40 I had a mild panic attack about my entire situation. Then on the actual day of my 40th birthday I just kind of realized that this is my year. I don't even really know what that means exactly, all I know is that no matter what I have always been taken care of. I'm a good dude and have great things inside me that are slowly starting to come out. Just not in my time... I have never wished to be a spoiled Malibu brat that sits in a bubble wondering what it would be like to actually want something. The people that have always had everything have absolutely nothing as far as i'm concerned. I have had an amazing struggle my whole life. From making ketchup sandwiches and being grateful there was bread, to ordering everything on the late night menu at The Met in London just because I could... While trying to figure out who the fuck I am and why I do what I do all through the process...

There is no destination for me, no end to my journey... I'm just trying to find the coolest ride in the amusement park.