holes of silence......

taking the power back....believing the lie my head tells me.......in one day my simple, beautiful little life becomes a shooting gallery of lies and torment. all the good i have done to change my behavior means nothing. five hundred people can say good things about me but the one whore who thinks she knows me tells someone something negative and it gets back to me.....and there i go again, believing the lie. i become that person....
i am a fraud and someone has finally figured me out. it doesnt matter that i dont do what has been spoken of anymore, all i see is an old pattern shaking its finger in my face, letting me know that everything i do is pointless and i shouldn't even try. so i stop trying, i stop praying, i stop making my bed, i start lying, i start stealing, i start having numerous one night stands to fix the bleeding hole in my stomache. jelly beans become little balls of hot tar searing the roof of my mouth and cracking my lips. the handle on the shovel is broken and splintered but i use it anyway, to dig the hole of hate.....glovelessly wrenching the dirt into a pile on the sidewalk....the heartbeat in the splintered scars on my hands trickle fluids green from envy, red with rage....sparks fly from the rocks i hit, blinding me with fear and isolation....i cant breathe anymore....the old pattern is done shaking its finger and is now burying me with the pile of dirt that sits patiently next to the hole...my chest grows tight as the air thins in my lungs, i pass out from exhaustion....only to find out its all to happen again....because i haven't changed a thing