in the hole......

I don’t really have anything today. My brain is full of stories both funny and horrific. But nothing is coming through my fingers. I have been staring into a blank sheet of paper on this computer screen since I woke up (which was hours ago).

People say I have this “gift” for writing. But I don’t see it. I don’t see most of the things I do as having any talent. I see the bad for sure though. If I make a list of my defects and my assets, the defects always come out first and there is like 50 more than the assets. Probably a hundred if it’s a real self loathing kinda day. I would kill anyone that said half the shit about me that I say about myself. It’s the most brutal thing to be around such positive, successful people. And just feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. There is people on welfare, there is people good enough to get by, there are the completely successful, and the there is me…….

If I hear from one more girl that I break up with “I wish you saw what I saw in you”. To be born and to die with the same story “he had so much potential”. Who the fuck wants to read about my bullshit life, with my halfass exciting stories about catching herpes, and Chlamydia about 100 times. Who wants to read about a 39 year old man with no license and no real focus on the future? I guess it would be a good book if you wanted to feel better about your situation. Kinda like watching some shitty reality show like the bad girls club or tool academy, or any of those fucking soul dragging nightmares for that matter. Fucked up thing is I DO feel kinda ok about myself. I know im can be a really good dude when I want to be, just like I can be a complete bag of shit when I want to be. It all basis itself around what I do to maintain my spirituality. I don’t do much, so that’s probably a good indication of why im in a writing hole right now. I told myself I was giving myself a few days to regroup. Its amazing that I can totally lie to myself and believe it. I did that for years with drugs and it didn’t really get me anywhere. So im forcing myself to write…then im gonna post it and force you to read it.

Then im gonna take a shower, cook dinner for the fam, and go to a meeting. When I get home hopefully I will be in more of an ambitious mood…..and not watch house and jerk off to porn till 5am.

Have a good day…give a good day….do whatever the fuck you want to do with your day…its your choice.

Jason christopher