the day i wake up and think about doing things for other people is a day that i might actually enjoy being alive. i have been throwing sticks in my spokes for years now. everytime i get on the right track, instead of going around the crack in the street i drive straight for it. tossing myself over the handlebars and busting up my chin.
this past week was no different...... im the kind of guy that doesnt know how good he has it until it's gone....then i become the 15 year old girl crying in the dark corner of the roller rink when its time for the "couples skate" because once again....i sit alone. constantly acting out of fear and self will leaves me in a purgatoreous land i would wish on no man. and here i sit...on the loneliest mattress in hollywood, trying to comprehend why i would break my own heart for no reason....again.
the cuts heal but the scars never fade....constantly reminded by the cold as they turn from white to purple. scars on my face from anger and sadness.......scars on my heart from a constant trail of fear based decisions....scars on my hands from pounding them on the sidewalk washing away the "why me's" in broken glass.....scars on my feet from running away from everything that is good for me....scars on my knees from a foxhole prayer..........i will always be broken.....i will always be fixable......will i ever find.............