i had sold everything in my apartment that i could sell, all that was left was a borrowed mattress, and a table i got from target with 2 chairs...i had borrowed everything i could have possibly borrowed from everyone in my phone and people that i knew that i had run into on the street.
i was 3 months back on my rent...my phone, internet, and hot water had been shut off. my neighbor/everyday running buddy would come over every morning and we would sit in the 2 black wooden chairs, staring at the floor dopesick, trying to figure out a hustle. hoping to get just a little more credit from the delivery guy....resorting to boosting gift cards from cvs and telling the dealer they were good. hoping he wouldnt use them for a few days.....occasionally someone would come by that needed drugs and i wouldnt get anything for them unless they took care of me. besides my nieghbor, the only people coming by were the speedsmoking nickel and dimers from the nieghborhood that i, on any normal day wouldnt piss on if they were burning....but they were the only people i came in contact with since i never left the apartment. i would let them smoke speed at the table in exchange for a tiny shard of glass i could throw in a spoon....if i could get high off of the dish soap i would have shot it....
my feet were so swollen from missing shots i eventually had to take the laces out of my shoes to put them on, and the only time i would put them on was to walk to the end of my street to meet my dealer. a flimsy blue bathrobe, and a ripped, worn out pair of blue chucks....standing on the corner of franklin and cherokee with my heart skipping a beat everytime a shitty green honda civic came over the hill. it seemed to be every other car when i didnt have anything in my system....and someone i knew who had a pretty relaxed, drama free life would always drive by and honk at me...
my nieghbor had a friend who had just recently started doing dope again and would come over 2 or 3 times a week to score. i would hear he was coming and instantly have a sense of relief...the only calm in my life was knowing that he was coming over and i would be set for at least that day and most likely the next...my hands were noticably swollen as well, i would shoot so many speedballs in one day that my viens were starting to collapse and it would take at least 10 tries before i actually drew blood...sometimes i would think i had it, then waste a shot as i watched my hand bubble up like i was putting a flame against it. then it would get numb and i wouldnt get the rush i was now craving every ten minutes....one time he brought over someone i was quite a fan of in the 90's, i actually pretty much learned how to play acoustic guitar from his first record. and for almost a week we sat in my apartment playing that first record, taking breaks to run down to the atm and get money off his credit card and call the dealer.....my habit instantly went from 60 to 600 dollars a day....then he left. and i was fucked...i would spend the rest of that month in my dear friend a.p.'s one bedroom shooting gallery coming close to death almost every time i was able to hit a vien....having to do jumping jacks because my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to explode. watching him try to hit a vien for hours...yelling at the needle...blood everywhere. the amount of cocaine i was putting in a spoon each time would get larger and larger...my stomache flips and i have to shit at the very thought of it...my eyes are bulging and my mouth salivates as i sit here typing...
normal people watch a show like intervention and think "my god that poor person....how could anyone do such a thing!", people like me watch it and get a hard on.....to this day i cant drive down franklin between the hours of 9am and 5pm without looking for that shitty green civic. one time they were in front of me as i was driving home. they turned onto my street, i saw him get on his phone and pull over to the side of the road and wait for the hopeless junky to get in the backseat...im glad its not me anymore but there will always be that part of me that wishes it still was......
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