Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I stare at this blank fucking screen like I stare at my phone. I know it's in there, but it's not coming out, it hasn't in quite some time now... all that fear of failure or whatever people with alcoholism blame their laziness on seems to be happening to me again. I know I'm better than most of the bullshit out there, even though you're not supposed to say you're better. You're supposed to say you are no better or worse than any other person because that's what people say. Do people really feel that way? Because I think I'm better than a whole lotta mother fuckers, even though I feel like a scumbag loser most of the time. I know I can write a funnier show, give a better pitch from a podium, write a better song... but I don't. I lose constantly because of the cripple. Is it because I don't think I can? Am I masking all these insecurities with bravado mouth bullshit?

Fuck man... I just want to be 30 seconds of what I feel like my mom thinks I am. Twenty second troll jabs on Facebook feeding it like an asian hooker, but it goes away so fast now. I don't want to argue about shit I don't even care about on the internet, I don't want to post selfies and hope I get more than 200 likes so I can be fulfilled in my day. I want to wake up, take a deep breath, and just fucking go man... I see some of these fancy AA dudes hustling it all up, and I feel like I'm the only one that can see how full of shit they actually are. Then I go acting completely full of shit not even aiming for a prize. I'm surprised I haven't been shot dead yet for some of the dumb shit I've done.

I tend to get lost in my delusion quite often, believing that my life actually is what it looks like on Facebook. Thinking that I am adored and people should just give me free stuff just for being born...

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