realizations... sometimes they are fun and inspiring, sometimes they are just totally horrendous to the point where you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Embarrassing and unholy, they wind down your spirit, and it feels like there will never be any way to come back from it. Then there are the ones when you realize something positive about yourself, and it seems like a whole new world is beginning for you. The clouds part in your head, you have never taken a deeper breath, and you feel like the eight year old that finally got the GI Joe he wanted for christmas after never get it 3 years in a row. You have to be careful not to let those realizations go to your head, because they can be shattered quicker then they were found. Staying humble is key to having steady flowing spiritual experience like this, much easier said than done though.
The realizations I have are usually false ones. They are given to me by the broken part of my brain that tells me I am a no good piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything he has. So when someone talks shit about me behind my back and I hear about it, instead of sticking up for myself I automatically believe it, which sends me into the wicked funnel of hate. Hate for myself, hate for everyone I fear, hate for every girl I think is pretty, hate for every musician that has actually accomplished something. I turn myself into the jealous little Italian boyfriend that thinks every guy is trying to fuck his girlfriend. Starting fights for no reason, lashing out at people that have done nothing to deserve it... starting this vicious cycle of self torment and obnoxious behavior. Instead of taking a deep breath and two steps back, knowing deep down I am one amazing mother fucker, I go straight to the easy and bash the fuck out of myself until I actually believe what was said about me.
The lie that feeds my insecurity is like water on a plant, it hits it about once a day, and over time slowly grows into this festering vine of disgust over the actions I have taken to prove the lie correct. Climbing up the side of me until my entire body is covered in leaves of fear and I can barely leave the house. Interaction with other humans is impossible unless it's nothing more than an internet level, and my room becomes the rock I wanted to crawl under and never leave.
Today was my breath of fresh air, I finally felt something good inside me. I'm not the guy they say I am.
I tire now of living the lie of self.
ReplyDeleteMaintaining the myth that this ever-changing and unstable assemblage of flesh, blood and bones. Animated by a few fleeting feelings, thoughts and emotions all comes together to create something ultimately real and fixed.
And like all untruths, it takes so much effort to maintain. Always trying to disguise its fragility, bolstering itself with opinions, principles and image.
Your false ego decides what it likes and it doesn't and grinds you down in pandering to its preference with its endless games of control.
And in this struggle to defend the mere concept of 'I' the true nature of the mind is never seen. The jewel is kept buried in the trash.
To just hand over the controls for a while. To reverse the whole game. To break the offensive-defensive cycles through submission provides the chink in the armor, allowing the light to come flooding in that dispels the dark delusion of self.