I was watching Dexter in HD just now and it hit me. When I first started watching HD televisions I would trip out, I hated it. It was like watching a daytime soap opera, and the movement of the camera made me dizzy. Now I don't even realize I'm watching it... I'd probably flip out if I watched a regular television, just the way I flipped out when the HD started. It got me thinking about all the other stuff in my life I just adapted to without even really noticing, the shit that I have become "comfortable with."
It's on a ridiculously different level that a television, but still...
My fear of needles growing up was a big one, I vowed by watching my friends be junkies, and what it did to their lives, and my Mothers friend overdosing in a bathtub when I was a kid, that I would NEVER stick a needle in my arm. My Father's alcoholism was also a big one... the few times I did see him, most of the time he was hammered drunk. My Mother drilled into me at an early age to be very careful with my drinking, or I would turn out just like him... I ended up turning out worse than my Father, and most of my junky friends. I also never saw myself being on a homeless couch tour most of my life, but I adapted to it. I adapted to rarely ever having a car or a license, and having to take the bus everywhere at an age where you should have a car... and your own place to live. I got comfortable with the fact that I can't keep my dick in my pants or have a successful relationship, claiming that "I love being alone," which is total bullshit. No one likes being alone for this long, and if they do, they probably sucked some candy off the end of their creepy Uncles dick when they were little. That wasn't the case with me, so I really have no excuse. Unless you consider my hot older Cousin molesting me in my Grandmother's basement a creepy Uncle with candy on his dick... I never really considered it molestation because she was a hot chick, I guess I have some therapy to be attending.
Just because I'm comfortable with most of these things, doesn't necessarily mean I'm ok with it. I know that sounds stupid but to me it makes perfect sense. I don't want to be the typical musician tragedy, that you see day in and day out, roaming the streets of Hollywood when the sun goes down. Looking for the next free bump of coke, or the next young girl to validate the lines in my face. I hate calling my friends for rides all the time, or taking the bus with crazy homeless people, and the stinky mexican guy that's been slabbing mortar all day that reeks of cheap tequila, shitty beer, and a horses armpit. Horses don't have armpits I don't think, but if they did, it would smell like those Mexican dudes on the bus. I just played in front of over 100,000 people for christ sake, and I don't want to go sleep on my friends couch because I have no where to live, but I will because that's what I have adapted to doing.
I'm tired of only having a few hundred dollars in my bank account to just get by with, although I am extremely grateful to at least have that... because before this past year, that never happened.
My tolerance level for my shitty comfortability status has gotten way to high, and it's time to bring it down... People that are really close to me get super pissed because they see what I am actually capable of, and what I actually do with that capability. Which is nothing really, I got lucky enough to go on a few cool tours and I'm a decent writer... big fucking deal. It doesn't mean shit if all I do is stay up all night watching netflix and jerking off to weird creepy porn, because I used up my tolerance level for regular porn.
I also have a not giving myself enough credit problem. I know what the fuck I am, I know what I am capable of, but at the same time I have this self made darkness in me that I let rule my life and control every move I make, I also have an entitlement issue that is off the charts, and that keeps me from ever actually DOING anything to better my life because I think I'm so awesome, it should just be handed to me on a silver platter.. I don't need the validation of a thousand girls to know that I'm a kinda cute, semi talented dude... but I fucking do it anyway, thinking that sleeping with every girl that smiles at me will one day make me the king of some mountain other than the steaming pile of shit that I post up on right now. It doesn't matter how many people I play in front of or the status of the people I play with, I still feel like a piece of shit every time I get off that stage... because I'm letting that little piece of darkness infiltrate my entire soul. The drugs couldn't take it away, the most golden pussy on a private plane can't take it away, a mutli platinum rock band with police escorts in Brazil can't take it away... nothing can take this fucking thing away but me.
I don't need to piss in a Suicide Girls mouth to feel better about myself, although that is pretty damn fun and makes for one hell of a story.
I need to fake love. Until I actually feel it for myself. It's in there somewhere, I fucking know it is, I just have to dig till I find it... and hope that everyone was right.
Isn't changing the way your innerbeing is the hardest thing there is? Life as you know it...at least you know what you have now- you know what to expect. You don't know what you'll be getting. Don't expect to find the love for yourself all the time all at once, I don't think anyone ever does. I was raised a happy kid I guess, growing up was easy for me, but even I am not always loving myself, and definitely not always loving the world around me.
ReplyDeleteWhich makes the moments that you do like yourself all the better...I do think everyone is right, it's in there somewhere. And don't be scared to like that love when you do find it, it's okay :)