Writing about writing....

Writing everyday is very difficult. Training yourself to actually sit at the computer and not watch porn, or gaze at some fantasy facebook life you have created for yourself is a lot harder than it looks. Especially writing every day. If you write like I do, it's just about what is in your head at that very moment. But if the moment hasn't changed in days, weeks, or even months. That story gets old for people who read your shit, and you can only imagine how tired I am of writing that I feel like a total loser. I'm not tired of feeling like that, that is a very comfortable place for me. I'm just tired of writing about it.
Let me tell you that there is no bigger fail in the world than having one of your childhood dreams come true, and not be able to enjoy it because your head won't shut up. The last show I played was in front of about 55,000 people I believe. I faked it, and put on a real good show.
But as I was standing there... banging my head, making cool rock faces, and hoping everyone would love and accept me because I was such an amazing musician with a cool rock vest and wallet chain. I knew I was a total fraud and I wanted to blow my head off.
The nerve of me to have even one ounce of doubt in myself. Coming so far in my life, where most people would have just given up their dream or passion years ago to pursue a career in sheep-ism. I stuck it out... not for any other reason than I just can't (or won't) do much else. I'm a very smart and talented person, it's just my "skills of application" are seriously lacking. I'm actually almost convinced I don't have any. I see people hustling in this town all the time to get what they need to survive, and with the amount of people I know, surely I could be one of these "hustlers." I just don't have it in me... Even though I feel like a total fraud, the fact is I'm not. My head wakes up at least 30 minutes before I do to tell me what a piece of shit I am and that getting out of bed is pointless. Most of the time I tell it to shut the fuck up and go about my day, but sometimes it seeps in, rings true, and gets me... BAM! Like when I am on stage, or kissing a beautiful girl, or telling a story in front of a group of people. It takes everything in my person to push through those moments and come out the other side, when it's happening it feels like it's never going to end. Everyone is just staring at you thinking "what a fucking douchebag," the girl is thinking "he is the worst kisser ever!!" and you are the worst storyteller known to man...
The fact that I get to do what I do now is total right place at the right time shit. My best friend needed a bass player, i'm a bass player, and a pretty fucking decent one at that. This is also a very temporary situation, I am blessed to even have been able to do it once, but I get to do it a bunch of times. I just need to do what I have to do to shut my fucking head up so I can at least enjoy one of these moments before it goes away forever, and I am back on the side of the stage asking that talentless hack of a hipster where he wants me to put his bass cabinet.
I should just go back to school and move in with the sheep... at least they have their own barn to sleep in.