Punch...

I got picked on a lot as a kid. In grade school kids used to kick me all he way home. Sometimes I would put my arm in a fake sling in the hopes that maybe, just that one day I could walk home in peace. They would hide behind bushes and jump out and scare me, knock my books out of my hands and onto the ground, pull my hair, spit on me, all kinds of gnarley shit. It wasn't until I found alcohol that I was able to get the guts up enough to start defending myself. It was then that I traded in my fake arm sling for a wallet chain and a tattoo. I was still a scared little punk, but getting drunk pushed a lot of that fear way down and I was able to defend myself when an Iroc full of guido's pulled up to whatever factory parking lot we were drinking in.

I carried that fear way into my later years, and as an adult, I was quick to booze it up and find someone smaller and more vulnerable that me that I could pick on and make feel exactly the way I felt when I was a child. If i did enough coke with the booze I would find someone bigger than me, that way I could prove to everyone around me that I was no joke and you better stay the fuck away from me if you knew what was good for you. My hands became just as big as my mouth and I would look for any opportunity to prove to anyone that would listen, that I could kick your ass if I wanted to.

I was so scared of everyone and everything I thought that if everyone just thought that I could fight, that no one would fuck with me and I could just do whatever I want. Big black Nick Sills kicked the shit out of me in front of the entire High School in 7th grade after I spent the entire day telling all my friends how I was going to destroy him. I relived that day for a good 20 years, David Weingarten picked on me every day all of Jr. High, I carried that as well. Instead of breaking the cycle and turning what happened to me into a positive energy force in my life all I did was become one of them... A man that was so scared of his own shadow he could never see the light. I had become a hipster bully. I always say that I never have any regrets in my life until I'm checking I.D's at a door, and some tiny guy walks up and says, "hey... you broke my nose for no reason 5 years ago." I want to crawl inside myself and die, I never know what to say to that guy. Do I apologize for being a scared little punk?

I haven't been in a fight in over three years. The more I stay away from violence, the more I realize how ridiculous I was. The more I learn about myself and why I do what I do, the easier it is to spot that fear in others.

There's a point in a mans life when it is time to hang up the wallet chain.....