i feel like everything i write is shit.... i took the day off today because i just cant wrap my head around anything. i dropped off coreys wife at the airport a little bit ago so now im in the house all by myself till thanksgiving. its good that im alone because certain shit i write about makes me feel really weird and being around people is the worst case scenario for that. i make myself dopesick or horny constantly depending on what i am writing. either that or completely shut down and cant talk because i fucked over so many people that love me for so long...and the whole constantly destroying my life and the attempt at putting it back together gets a little tiring and heavy as well.
now if i need to curl up in a ball behind a closed door i can actuall leave it open. and scream at the top of my lungs if i need to. i havent even tapped into the super gnarley shit yet.....i hope i dont end up in a straight jacket over this. because a needle just isnt gonna happen. i cant even believe im here writing as much as i am, actually setting a goal and going for it is completely against everything i normally do.
i just want to jerk off and chainsmoke all day....ok i do do that alot but the rest of the time when im not at supertarget im sitting on this bed breaking the keys on the computer with my italian sausage fingers, getting distracted by my ipod. i stopped listening to coltrane while i write. it makes me feel like im in a late 70's scorcese movie or some shit and i start trying to use words i dont know the definition of and end up spending more time on dictionary.com than i do on my book...thats not me. anyone that knows me knows i dont do big words, and i dont want anyone who doesnt know me thinking i do.
i have to remember that this is for me and nobody else....fuck the outcome....and fuck the result.
well now......that was easy
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