The attitude adjusted accent of the east coast came out strong at lunch today, as I sit with my family for pizza and mussels in medium marinara sauce, in the place that I ate at least three times a week growing up. Still the same owners, and I swear the same fucking dude was behind the counter taking my order that was there when I was in 9th grade. It's the best marinara in Jersey.. in the world as far as I'm concerned. The chill in the air wasn't that bad today, but it was just enough to remind of what is coming, and why I moved to warmer climates. I do wish I lived closer to my family so I can watch my little nephew grow up, help my stepdad shovel the driveway because of his bad knee, and watch my sister do well in school.
After lunch we drove into the city to meet up with my Grandmother, it had been a few years since I had seen her. Her hair was longer than I had ever seen it, and the lines on her face had gotten a little deeper. It was nice to see her turn from the "crazy cat lady" she had slowly become, into someone that was happy to be around family once again. She never leaves her apartment on the upper east side anymore, unless it's to go cut hair at the Waldorf for a few hours a day, three or four times a week. She was having lunch with a friend of hers that I remember from when I was my nephews age. Two old ladies sitting in a little Italian restaurant in midtown Manhattan, having a glass of white wine and kvetching about the world's problems today. We hung out for a few minutes, I paid for their lunch, and drove my Grandma back uptown.
I kinda felt like a kid again being with her... I held her hand the whole drive, and told her that I missed her. I got really sad when I dropped her off in front of her apartment building. She's getting up there in age, and it's at that point to where I'm not really sure if that's the last time I'm ever going to see her again. So I make sure to tell her I love her just in case.
After dropping Grandma off at the Crescent Towers, I took my Sister and my Nephew back to the hotel we were staying at. A swanky mid-town shitbox, built specifically for the euro-trash that dumps itself into Manhattan on a daily basis, to sip on apple martinis and mutter senseless bullshit under the overlapping torture of a fuckwads techno version of "Crazy" by Seal.
I couldn't help but feel like a little bit of an asshole when I opened the door to my swanky ballsack of a hotel room. So I did what any broke ass dick would do, and called down to room service to order my nephew a $20 dollar ice cream sunday. I sat there on the big white bed eating it with him, as he stared at the "caramelized bananas" in disgust.
My Sister had to leave before the $50 valet went into affect, so I jumped in the shower and got ready for Corey's birthday dinner at Ruth's Chris.
I'm running through my day like this in a moment of reflection. Exactly 4 years ago to the day, I had 1 day sober, no job, no place to live, no big moves in my future, and had just landed back in Los Angeles returning from a 7 week gnarley ass heroin kick on my Mother's couch. I had moved in with my x-girlfriend and her 4 year old daughter in a one room "apartment" on Wilcox and Yucca, and had nothing else to do except take the bus to AA meetings 4 times a fucking day because they both drove me up a fucking wall and I couldn't stand to be around them for more than 20 minutes at a time. All my instruments were in random pawn shops scattered all throughout the Hollywood area, and I couldn't afford a pack of cigarettes... or even a bus ride. My x fed me and gave me an allowance until I was able to get back on my feet a little bit. Which basically consisted of my dear friend giving me a job at the front desk at her gym a few hours a day for like 10 bucks an hour. Eventually moving out of the nuthouse and onto her couch.
I could barely form sentences when I got back from my last relapse, too many words jumbled together confused me. I would trip over stuff all the time, forget shit constantly, and playing music wasn't even a thought anymore. I had fucked it up real good for myself and honestly thought there was absolutely no coming back from this one. I had done serious damage to my brain, and my motor skills were completely non-existant. I could barely do what was put in front of me, but as time went on, little by little I started to form a life for myself again.
Within a months time I was back in my old punk band that I had gotten kicked out of years before, and getting ready to embark on a tour that would eventually take me overseas for the first time ever. Slowly but surely I started caring about how I looked again, showering on a regular basis and putting some grease in my hair. I would eventually build up a level of confidence from nothing, that would give me the ability to turn on my amp and face a crowd of people.
Over the past four years I had absolutely had my days where I wanted to just fuck it all and get loaded, not wanting to feel feelings is what people like me do best. But going against every grain in my body, and trusting people that had been in my situation before that had broke through and came out the other side, I stayed sober. Instead of wondering how much money my Grandmother had in her purse today, I was able to take the check from them and pay for lunch. I was able to take the check at lunch with my stepdad today and pay for that as well. Instead of throwing up orange foam from opiate blocking pills out the side of my sisters car, I was able to take her to my hotel room and order my nephew ice cream. And because I stayed sober, I am able to show up for people who believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself, to play my guitar in front of a shit ton of people every night and get paid to do what I love to do.
Do I deserve the life I am living right now? In my mind, absolutely not. But it's not my plan, it's just a path I was given as a result of trying to be a better dude and just show up, even when I don't think I'm good enough. So yes, I will sit in this very expensive hotel room, full from my very expensive steak, and wake up to play another sold out show in Jersey tomorrow. And let everyone else believe I deserve this life until I am actually able to believe it myself....
